i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
