Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
