Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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