she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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