I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
