I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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