i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
