Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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