I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
