you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
