im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
