Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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