just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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