The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
