I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
