a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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