Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
