I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
