Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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