I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
