I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
