you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
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