On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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