I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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