Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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