Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
