The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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