Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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