I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
