First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
