im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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