Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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