My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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