I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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