dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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