She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
