omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
