i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
