Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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