my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
