So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
