he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
