He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
