Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
