Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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