I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
