good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
