She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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