I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
