i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
