My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize