I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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