I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
