Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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