They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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