Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
