girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
My cat gives me a boner
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
