the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize